Trust the Experts! (3.31.20)
Feb. 15: This isn't a huge deal yet, we're still cool, just wash your hands and don't be a jerk. We have lots of scary models on this thing but we're not going to freak out.
March 1: We're keeping a close eye on things! Yup, these models are scary, and pre-emptive action is essential to "beating" all of these models, and even though we're still learning about this disease we do know that some people have no major symptoms but are contagious. But for now just keep washing those hands real good and cough into your elbow. Happy birthday song twice through! If you don't feel 100 percent maybe stay home.
March 11 (day): Hmm ... hey, it's not a rule yet, but for the next three weeks, maybe if an event has more than a thousand people you shouldn't go. But stay positive, we might still have the Cherry Blossom parade. Hang in there, we could be back on track to normal by the end of the month!
March 11 (evening): The NBA did what? Wow, really?
March 13: Oopsie! Looks like we were way off! Look, we know we didn't hit the panic button earlier, even though we now can't emphasize enough that our only plan is entirely premised on early action. But now we're on the right course. New rule: No more than 250 people in a room at a time! We aren't telling you how we arrived at 250 but it's definitely smaller than 1,000. Oh, and I guess that means we're cancelling the parade, you're welcome!
March 15: New rule, if you run a business everyone has to be six feet away from other people at all times! Look, China was in bad shape but they beat this thing, so there's light at the end of the tunnel. The experts are on it!
March 16: Woof, we all just read that scary paper from Britain. Yikes! Restaurants are closed! We have now determined that for the next few weeks, THIS is the only way! But don't despair, this might only be a few weeks. (Or 18 months.) Also, that 250 thing ... minor adjustment, more than 10 people is a super bad idea. Not sure where we got that number from but it's definitely a lot smaller than 250.
March 24: OK, everything non-essential is closed! This means you, tattoo parlors and tanning salons! We thought it was cool that you could get a spray tan if you wanted one, but now we're telling you that this is no-spray-tan serious. Stay the course!
March 30: New plan, if you leave your house we might throw you in jail. Why aren't people taking this seriously when we've been so clear and consistent all along? Geez, what do you want from us? We need to enforce our plan that was entirely dependent on pre-emptive action that we now realize we should have enforced 30 days ago when we were staring at scary virus models and were well aware that 90 percent of the world is not ready to gather data fast enough to stay in front of this thing. We know this sucks and lots of you are unemployed now but don't worry, you may or may not get $1,200 checks in a few weeks. And by the way Virginia plans a lockdown through June so we might have been a little optimistic about the two-week thing.
March 31: Just a heads up, no big deal, we know we said 6 feet, but this thing might fly 27 feet through the air to get you. We're not sure yet, but you know, keep that it mind. Oh, and it looks like China lied a bit, so we don't know what to do with that. But trust us, we're in charge and we are sure we're doing what's best! At least we're sure until tomorrow. Trust the experts!